It’s time

I believe in cannabis with all my heart. I believe in it more than I believe that there is a god.

Then why have a waited so long to get my daughter a card?

Is it fear?

To fear anything is irrational at this point. I’ve done my homework. She has responded well with CBD. I’ve had multiple well respected doctors in their field ask why I haven’t gotten the license so we can add THC.

I can’t answer. The truth is we don’t know what will happen. And that thought is scary as hell.

I remember how desperate I was when we first gave her CBD. She had stopped sleeping in her bed. We were all tortured night after night trying anything and everything. So despite my paralyzing fear, I had to have my husband do the first dose with me, as I was not sure I could handle a possible seizure alone. When she took it she smiled and said mmm yummy.

That was over a year ago. Since then a lot has changed. She has changed a lot. My fear I think has subsided and it was more an issue of getting her the right medicine if we added THC.

I wouldn’t take a tincture unless I knew where every bit of that plant material came from. I would want to make sure it wasn’t the left over shake at the bottom. Not for myself and certainly not for my child.

The rumblings of a possibility to help the fledgling adult use cannabis industry as well as boost the medical one sound very promising. I would love to find some craft, small batch, top shelf, flower only high CBD strain specific for my kid. I’d love to sit with someone and play alchemist to find the perfect combination for someone with my daughters brain.

So I am starting to consider something for the first time seriously. Can we really get her a card and make the jump to add other cannabinoids?

The change in her when she started the CBD was very noticeable. It was all very positive. I even wonder after so long was it really the CBD or did she merely have a mental growth spurt with a lot of therapy.

It’s also kind of scary as well. We waited so long believing that one day we would find the right medicine for her. What if that never happens. I’m not sure I’m ready to lose that hope, especially now.

I love my daughter with all of my heart. She is exactly what I always dreamed of and is so sweet and so smart. Sometimes though when she gets into her moods I just want to both run and cry.

I worry about her future. It keeps me up at night. It’s keeping me up now. I do not want my children to feel they have to justify their lives to anyone. I want my son to feel proud and choose if he wants to advocate for his sister. But this fight ends with me. I don’t want another generation hurt by the drug war. My kids were born during legalization time and I fight daily for sensible cannabis legislation so they won’t have to.

I hope for what I consider now the impossible. I want her to have some sort of normal life for her and to be as independent as possible. Before last year I saw no light at our very long tunnel. I had dark thoughts of what to do when we can no longer physically handle her. I already can’t on my own with all my chronic conditions.

So with this corona virus, I hope that telehealth will extend to pediatrics. I do not know how long this “lockdown” is going to last and I want to be ready for anything. I also think this will help because my anxiety about taking her into a new doctor is no longer an issue. I finally have some hope we can get her access to the kind of medicine she needs after so many years waiting.

I guess it’s time to get her a card.

As this went to publish, we were devastated with the news of the untimely death of Charlotte Figi. Words cannot begin to express the love and connection my family feels to this family who we have never met. We owe her and her family everything for their courage to tell their story. So many of our lives have changed forever because of this little warrior and her bravery. Fly high angel. You will be missed by all that you touched.

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