Before vs Now

It’s February. February used to mean Valentine’s Day, snow days, lobby days and fundraising.

This time last year I was planning out an amazing event to try to bring the community together.

In one party we were going to pair up economic empowerment and social equity licensees with the guys who had the money. We were hoping to have some sponsors that would help pay for us to finally get to DC as a team for Americans for Safe Access. Hell I wanted to rent a van and take anyone who could could fit into an Airbnb we could afford.

That was the beginning of 2020. Before covid, before lockdowns, before I knew the cancer came back.

Today it has been a year. No matter what I did to try to avoid seeing the memories on so many platforms and gadgets, I still wanted to see it anyways and searched it out. Today last year I said goodbye to my mom for the last time. It was the last time I hugged her. Last time I smelled her. Last time I saw her alive. I knew when I was leaving that these were the last photos I’d ever take. I let her buy the jersey I really didn’t need because I knew it would be the last time we went shopping.

No one believed me. I wasn’t being optimistic enough. Not supportive of her plan of care. I didn’t have faith. No I didn’t, I saw my mom dying and it drove me nuts that I was the only one. Three months later to the day she was dead. She never had safe access to regular feco. Even if she did she was too sensitive and instead of upping the feco dosing she upped the chemo treatments.

Then it was me

I came home to complete hell. Our event was cancelled and we were harassed online for not cancelling when the mob demanded. I wish people understood contracts and how they work a little better. It wasn’t just ours to cancel, but by then the damage was done.

Those three months all run together. The beginning of a year long covid lockdown that my family chose to do because of my mother at the time and later over concerns for my daughter.

I was so desperate to find her the right plan of care, I lost sight of much else. Since then I’ve just been picking up the pieces of what my life was before. I’ve learned to live in the before and after. My life is forever changed. I am forever changed. I don’t know what that will mean going forward I just know that there is no going back because now it’s after.

I hope Covid ends soon so I can see my father. I haven’t seen him since May.

I hate cancer

I hate covid

I hate prohibition

I guess I was right yay me.
I miss her so much it hurts.

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